I'm one of those people who can't fall asleep at night, sometimes staring at the ceiling, sometimes tossing and turning for hours. I think too much. I think about anything you can imagine, from what I need to do the next day to what I did/didn't do or say that day to what sport Jadon might like to play, if any, when he gets older. So I'm a thinker, even when I try not to.
Last Wednesday night, Jadon was sleeping like he rarely does; he was in a very deep sleep. I could have picked him up and moved him any which way I had wanted, and he would have stayed asleep. It was wonderful! The problem was that I could not sleep! Then I felt my thinking start to effect my stomach; it felt anxious, or at least I thought that's what it was at first. The more my stomach sickened, the more I thought...about things no one should really think about. I was worrying about things beyond my control. I worried about the bruises I've been getting out of nowhere, about my mom's job, about something ever happening to Jamie (God forbid), about the potential of Jadon ever being an orphan!!! For the love of God, I could not stop thinking!!!
My worrying had gotten the best of me, and I had convinced myself that (1) I must have leukemia, (2) my mom's stress at work was going to cause her some major health problem, (3) I was going to have to interview potential wives for Jamie, in the event of my impending death, and (4) Jadon was not going to have the wonderful, happy life that I had dreamed for him...the horror!
I know, I know...call the doctors to zip me up in a white suit and put me in a padded room now, right? I'm crazy...or am I? Really I think I'm fine. By 6am Thursday morning, I was still sick at my stomach, had a terrible headache, and I realized I had a fever (the leukemia?!?). I asked Jamie to call off work, so he could take care of Jadon. I couldn't even lift my head up. It felt as heavy as a bowling ball! Did I also mention the joint aches? Ugh! It was awful!
Ladies and gentlemen, I had the flu :-( There may be few things worse than nursing a baby, when you have the flu...not fun at all :-/ It lasted two days, so Jamie stayed home with us on Friday too. The good news is that neither he nor Jadon ever got sick...yay! The bad news is that my mom did...boo!
All is better now, thankfully! When I was so sick, it was near impossible to think I could make it to the light at the end of the tunnel. Heck, I couldn't even see the light! I felt destined to feel this way forever. I longed to feel healthy and normal again. I dreaded it would never end.
And so it is. I was telling my mom about what Pastor Rick Warren, author of The Purpose Driven Life, has written about struggles in life (his wife has cancer). He writes that in life we are either (1) getting ready to go through a struggle, (2) in the midst of a struggle, or (3) just come out of a struggle. Isn't that true? Now I really don't think of my two day flu as much of a struggle, when you look at the realm of things people go through. There are much bigger things I have dealt with and actually am struggling with right now.
I don't think I'm really any more able to handle struggles in life than anyone else. It's always hard to figure out how to handle each situation. So many times, it just seems like we should just take the easy way out...just quit school, stop talking to a friend who offended us, divorce a spouse and walk away, leave a job, change churches, etc. Not that any of these decisions are without complications also, but sometimes they require less work and/or commitment from us...less change on a personal level.
When I had the flu, I was afraid to take too much Tylenol for my fever because I'm nursing Jadon. I also take a thyroid medication that can interact with some cold and flu medications, so that's another thing I had to consider. Would it have been so bad for me to just take a medication that would help me feel better sooner, and risk hurting Jadon? Maybe it would have just made him drowsy, right? But maybe it would effect his liver or kidneys? The answers are not always so clear.
So how do we handle these struggles that we are certain to encounter in life? Sometimes we just have to sit and wait, struggling a bit, praying a lot, and hoping things get better. I'm comforted, when I read God's Word, knowing He's on my side. If I ask, "Are you trying to teach me something?" He might say, "Yes...you just need to wait this one out. Sorry it might not be as soon as you'd like."
"But I'm scared and worried. I want things to be the way they were before."
"I know you are. Do your best to trust Me through this. I haven't failed you before, have I?"
"Nope," I say with a smile :-)
The next time you're going through a struggle, maybe these scriptures will help you, like they do me:
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. --- James 1:2
An anxious heart weighs a man down --- Proverbs 12:25
I sought the LORD, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears. --- Psalm 34:4
"And thank You that Jadon's biggest struggle this week has been how to keep more prunes in his mouth than on his face and bib! He's more perfection than we could have dreamed!"
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