It is still amazing to me that I have had NO PROBLEMS whatsoever with this pregnancy! I know I shouldn't speak so soon, since I still have 42 days to go, but I am truly amazed. I never had a spot of bleeding, not even in the very beginning. My blood pressure, glucose level, urine specimens, and thyroid function remain absolutely perfect with every passing doctor's visit. For all of these things, I am so very thankful...YET, unfortunately, I still worry about some things.
This week alone, I have had the following thoughts (crazy!): I may have preeclampsia/toxemia (because my ankles looked a little swollen a few times, after I had been standing too long); what if someone hits our car head-on and I die? the baby dies? Jamie or Jadon die? (this happens EVERYTIME we drive somewhere...even to my mom's 3 miles down the road!); what if Macy is born before she is 37 weeks, and her little lungs aren't ready?; what if I have some major problem during labor?; what am I going to do about Jadon's wild behavior, once Macy gets here?; How in the world am I going to survive the first 6-8 weeks of breastfeeding and sleepless nights with Jadon to take care of too? Oh, the list is nearly endless!
Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe I'm a worry wart. Maybe I think about morbid things. Maybe I don't trust in the Lord enough. I know to 'trust in Him with all of my heart'. I know not to 'lean on my own understanding'. I know not to 'worry about tomorrow'. I know all of these things, and I really do believe His Word. Maybe I'm just a mom though. Maybe I'm a pregnant mom. Maybe I'm even a typical mom.
Last weekend, while sitting at my mom's house, Jadon was sitting behind the couch playing with his toys. Jamie was in his zoned out place of "ah, finally some peace of mind and some other people to help watch him...I'm gonna watch TV." I was sitting with my mom at the kitchen bar, and I couldn't help but look back at Jadon every few minutes, just to make sure he was okay and not putting something in his mouth, etc. I said to my mom, "I can't wait until my kids are at an age that I don't have to worry that they are going to kill themselves accidentally...when I can relax a little bit more. What age does that happen...five, six?"
Her answer surprised me because my mom has NEVER appeared to be a mom who worries about me or Emily. She said, "It never ends. I mean, like tonight, I worry about Emily leaving the house, and something happening. I worry about her getting home safe. I will probably stay up until she gets home."
Then I asked her if she worries about me being pregnant, and she quickly answered without a doubt, "Well yeah, of course!"
"Do you worry I'll die during labor?"
I'm sure a small part of her (the worrying mom part) thought "yes," but she quickly reassured me that she didn't think that. She didn't share what she the specific worries she has about my pregnancy and delivery, but I am sure her worries are similar to my own.
And so is the life of a mom. We carry a lot of burdens for our kids. We think about everything from what our kids eat to their choice in a marriage partner...from small bruises as a toddler to parties in college...from fevers and vomiting to their decision to place their faith in Jesus (the MOST important by far)...from driving in a car at 16 to watching the birth of our own grandchildren. Jadon will one day be a dad???? Macy will one day be a mom???? Oh my! My babies will have babies...such a joyous thought, yet also another burden of worry I will somewhat carry because I know the feelings they too will have and the HUGE responsibility the Lord will have given them.
Everyday, when I see Jadon's chocolate brown birthmark, just above his chubby little butt, I think about the story I will tell him about where it came from. "Well, before you were born, God was eating chocolate. Then, He kissed you 'good-bye for now,' and gave you to Mommy and Daddy. Your birthmark is a reminder that He wants you to come back home to him one day."
From this day (and the writing of this blog) forward, I am going to work much harder at trusting the Creator of All Things with the well-being of my babies. They were, in fact, His, before they were mine. They have been in His hands, until this day, and shall remain there until He calls them back home...whenever and however He choses to do so. I do trust you, Lord, and I thank you for choosing me to raise these babies in particular. I pray I serve you well as their mommy.
" For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," declares the LORD." ---Jeremiah 29:11-14
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
Your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you. ---Psalm 139:13-18
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