Thanksgiving '09

Thank you God for...

poopy diapers
teething (1st teeth AND second molars)
hair loss, hair loss, hair loss
temper tantrums
a selfish toddler
wider hips
crying babies on long car rides
sore nipples
baby food EVERYWHERE
Matchbox cars in my house plants
sleepless nights (just kidding!)
meltdowns at the mall
memory loss
naptimes that never happen
toys EVERYWHERE
gray hair
whining
minimal time to myself or with my husband
markers on tiny hands and tummies
berry-stained shirts
pregnancy pounds that want to stay
an extra hour of prep time to get out the door to anywhere!
a wardrobe from 2006

Without all of these things, I wouldn't have the two things for which I am most thankful:

My little turkeys!

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

You Are Mine

There is nothing special about the video below. It won't make you laugh. There is no milestone to be documented from it. No cute sibling interaction was caught on tape.

There are moments in parenthood, thus far (I'm clearly only 2.4 years into this journey), that have taught me so very much about my relationship with my Heavenly Father. There are moments that are so sweet, you really can't even put words to them, moments that make your heart swell and lift your eyes toward the sky. You know them only as a mother or father to YOUR child.

I understand that many of you will watch this video and think, "So what?" Some of you won't even make it through the entire thing because it's more than 30 seconds, and as I said, it really isn't that interesting...unless you are Jadon's Mama or Daddy (in this case, his Mama).

The other night, it was pretty late, and though Jadon had been tucked in bed for nearly 30 minutes, he was still awake in the dark talking, talking, talking away to himself. I went in to check on him and he said in his adorable, toddler-size voice, "Hi, Mama." I turned the bathroom light on, so I could see his sweet face, then knelt beside him to take in the blessing that is my son.

Just barely 29-months-old, yet used by God an infinite number of times to teach me about real, unconditional, agape love. It wasn't the words he was saying or even how he was saying them. It was more than the look of innocence in his big, golden brown eyes. It was the gift of him. The gift, after five miscarriages, countless tears, much heartache, the struggle to reconciliation that I may never carry and give birth to my own biological child...I may never feel a baby kick me from the inside or look into the eyes of my breastfeeding baby.

I was silenced by God to be still. "Take it all in," He said. THIS moment, these moments, this life, these beautiful babies...they are mine because I was chosen. Psalm 127:3 tells me that Jadon and Macy are "gifts from the Lord," and I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that they are, and I take my role as their Mama very seriously. It is the most important ministry I will ever be called to lead.

And so here he is rambling, rambling, rambling about the pumpkins and the bale of hay that was painted like a spider that scared him. Of course, he tells the story as if Macy were the main character haha, but he's learning to be comforting, which is so sweet to see :)

At that moment, as I took in all that had been given to me in the form of a little boy who calls me "Mama," I felt as if I wanted to press the huge pause button on this journey of life. I felt like I just couldn't take it all in, that time was in fast forward, and my babies growing up entirely too fast. You know the struggle. Every parent feels it. I thought, " I want to pick you up, carry you (and Macy) away to an island with all of your favorite things, and have you all to myself forever."

And then I heard God say to me, "That is EXACTLY how I feel about you, my child. You are mine. I long to have you all to myself...for you to desire nothing more than to be in relationship with me." That is where I find my greatest joy, Father...experiencing your love for me, through the gifts of my children. I am Yours.

Follow the Leader

This picture pretty much says it all. A majority of my day is spent at the tail end of this. Naptimes and bedtimes are God's gift to mothers of young children for sure...oh that and Cheerios and crackers :)

Mother's Intuition

Last week, I had to go leave the kids with Jamie for a few hours. It was dark outside, by the time I got home. I didn't have a key with me, and I could see Jadon sitting in the chair watching a video. He saw me peeking through the window, but just sat there and smirked at me (rotten boy!). Jamie was nowhere in sight, and I thought, "Where in the world is my husband, and why in the world is Jadon all by himself???"

I tried knocking a million times, but no Jamie. I could see the kids' bedroom light was on, but the door was closed. I thought, "Surely he wouldn't be in the room with the door closed, and leave Jadon in the living room!" I tried calling the house from my cell phone. Nothing...well nothing but a smirking 2 year old who only had time for his DVD. FINALLY, Jamie came around the corner from our bedroom with a towel-wrapped Macy. "Ummm...hi. Hello?"

A little later I explained to my husband, the father of my two small children that I did not think it was safe to leave Jadon in the living room for so long by himself, no matter how child-proof our house seems to be. Yes, I knew all of the doors were closed. Yes, I knew there were covers on all of outlets and locks on all of the cabinets.

"Jamie, I just know there is ALWAYS something he could get into, when he is by himself. I mean, he could climb up on his high chair and grab a knife, or he could pull on a blind cord just the right way, and get it wrapped around his neck. You just never know!"

I knew my husband was hearing my words, but it seemed more like I was the teacher and he was Charlie Brown. "Whawhawhawha whawhawha..."

Fast forward to Sunday morning...I was in our master bathroom getting ready for church, and had Macy sitting at my feet. Jamie was in the spare bathroom taking a shower. Jadon was watching a video, so I figured I had time to dry my hair quickly, since he seemed to be in a trance, fixated on the TV. I turned the hair dryer on, but something made me stop. I turned it off, listened, thought I heard the tiny wheels of cars moving around, and figured all was well in the VERY NEXT ROOM. I yelled, "Jadon, do you want to read Green Eggs and Ham?" Mind you, it had only been 120 seconds, since I laid eyes on him IN THE NEXT ROOM.

I turned the hair dryer back on, only to feel something inside of me say, "No you need to stop and go lay eyes on him. He could be into something. You just never know, better safe than sorry." I picked up Macy, and as I rounded the corner, realized that Jadon was not where he was just two minutes prior. Oh, there he is...in the kitchen...standing on his high chair...WITH A KNIFE IN HIS HANDS!!! Oh. My. LORD!

This was not any knife. This was a seven inch long, very sharp knife!

"Hey, buddy. Umm...just sit still. Be careful. Put the knife back, and Mama will come and pick you up, okay?"

I heard Jamie coming out of the shower, so I had Jadon sit still on the counter, and had Daddy Dearest come and witness his son's attempt at giving his wife a heart attack. The look in Jamie's eyes said it all. "Oh, I get it now. Okay." (I didn't stop to take a pic of Jadon for this one, nor did I have him reinact it later.)

Jamie is a WONDERFUL father. I just think women and men think very differently. There is an instinctive Mama Bear, what could kill my kid thing that goes on with us. I'm in a constant state of what if, what could, what will...are my babies safe??? My mom says it will be that way, until the day I die, and I believe her. Good thing I know God gave me the natural ability to read their sneaky little minds, so I can head off disaster while they're little. Once they are older, I think that turns into nagging and/or gray hair and wrinkles.

Thanks for saving my life so many times, when I was little, Mom...like the time I ate an ENTIRE BOTTLE of Flintstone vitamins or when I ate the stuffing out of a bean bag chair or the time I...

Shower Blogging

Sounds like some Olympic game played in the UK, doesn't it? If you want to call mind ping-pong a game, then that's exactly what it is! EVERYTIME I'm in the shower, my mind races with things I would LOVE to blog about. You see, my shower time is the ONLY awake time during my day that I have time to think about myself, things I like, things I want to do and achieve, things I want to bring to the ministry of the world or our church.

I wish so many times that I had a personal secretary sitting on the toilet. She wouldn't talk (I need complete and total peace and quiet, in order to filter all of the madness that goes on in this head of mine). She would just do dictation. She would capture all of my brilliant ideas for blogging and life, so they would never be lost, once I've shaved and rinsed the conditioner out of my hair.

The very SECOND I step out of the shower and the sound of the water that muffled the sound of the crying baby or the toddler who had to run in to go potty gets turned off, I know that all of the time that was MINE and all about ME will be lost, spilling out of the door onto the carpet in the hallway, running into the tile in the foyer and into the life that is motherhood.

So here are the very random things, my friends, that I actually can remember that ran thru my head in the shower today:

---Jadon is BORED. He needs more challenging toys. Must seek and find something new and educational to do with him.
---People are going to think I'm an over-achieving parent and want my kid to act as such...Whatever! People are always going to have opinions, especially when it comes to raising children! (Self-talk: worry about yourself, sister! Who cares what they think? Whoever "they" is.)
---I NEED to make time and find the energy to exercise EVERYDAY, darn it!
---My desire is not to be just simply "healthy." My desire is to be in my peak physical condition. I don't settle in any area of my life. I want to excel at being physically fit. Thank you, Oprah, for running a marathon at 40-something!!! (Now that I'm 32, that is NOT old anyway!)
---Can't wait to take Jadon to the pool this summer! What in the world will Macy be like at that point? How is this going to work? It will...I hope.
---The fact that I worry so much about my kids has to do with a lack of trust in God. They're not MY kids anyway...they're HIS. He has merely entrusted them to us for an unspecified amount of time. I CANNOT come to grips with this! Okay, I can, but I haven't even come close to it yet. Something happening to my kids is, by far, the greatest fear of my life, and I think about it daily :/ Working on it :/
---I struggle with spending money on anything...really I do. I feel guilty about most every purchase we make, minus food at the grocery store, I think. As a mom a Christian, I think about kids who are dying of starvation or from not having clean water in other countries all of the time. I know there is nothing wrong with enjoying the financial provisions we are given by God, but I just don't think 10-12% of our income is quite enough, if we still have enough money left over to buy so many things for our kids or so much extra food that we have our choice of what to eat for each meal...still thinking a LOT about all of this, and trying to reason how to deal with my inner thoughts about it all. I just know I can never out-give God, but we do have a mortgage to pay and are in need of a newer vehicle that has A/C and preferably room for a double stroller.
---I wish so much that our church or a church close to us had a MOPS group! I have no desire to start one from the ground up, but wouldn't mind helping out with one. MOPS sounds like such a "mom" thing to do. Yeah, sweetheart, you ARE a mom! You no longer worry about wearing trendy clothes and hanging out with people late on a Saturday night. I need and desire to be around other SAH-Moms. If I don't get some validation, I may start to truly believe that I am losing my mind here (only once or twice a day for short periods of time).
---My in-laws are going to wonder why Jamie married me, if they read all of this non-sensical talk that goes on in my head!
---I REALLY want and need to put my two blogs into one blog. I want all of our stuff in one place on the Internet...easier for me and family and friends who read it. Besides, when we have a 3rd or 4th baby, I will NEVER remember all of the usernames and passwords. I have a severe case of pregnancy/mom brain now! I'm seriously going to work on getting this one done, hopefully without losing any of my entries for either Jadon or Macy.

Okay, so now, in the middle of this, I've had to start nursing a screaming Macy, so she will not wake up Jadon from his nap. See what I mean? :/ 10 minute shower, 5 mintues afterwards with my thoughts (with the background music of a crying 8 week old and fear that Jadon will wake so soon), still haven't even begun the process of maintaining myself (i.e. brushing/drying my hair, moisturizing the very dry parts of my body, putting contacts in, etc....endless list for a woman, really!), so I'll likely not get to half of it (and feel and look like a crappy version of my former self), before so many other mothering duties start calling...thankful, but feeling blah!

Can no longer type with one hand, while balancing the laptop on the arm of the chair, and my mom is calling on the phone. Looks like, if shower blogging were an Olympic sport, I would certainly get the Gold!